| Relationships |
Austin; I need your advice. I am 45, divorced, and recently met a man that I like alot. After six terrific dates, I chose (for the first time in five years) to become physically intimate with him. We went out Friday for an evening on the town, and then returned to his place to share the night together. I felt very much in love, and things couldn't have gone more perfect. We decided to spend another night together the following weekend, this time at my place. But unfortunately, things didn't go as well the second time around. To put it bluntly, this man that I love with all my heart had erection problems. I felt terrible for him, and he was obviously embarassed. He ended up saying "well, I've been thinking about using Viagra or something...but right now I should probably just leave...." He did leave. And that was a week ago. We haven't spoken since, and I feel terrible. Was it me? Is it normal for a man still in his thirties (he's 39) to have "e.d.?" Should I call him and tell him that it's okay? I feel terrible about this, and I really do care for him. What should I do? Kimberly, Alexandria, VA Kimberly; Let me put your mind at ease: the problem is NOT YOU. And yes, it is possible for a 39 year old guy to experience erectyle dysfunction. Not knowing anything about him I can only say that many different factors could have played in to the situation. Was he feeling nervous on the second night, because he was trying to re-create the previous night that you thought was so "perfect?" Had he been drinking that night? And what about his health habits - - does he drink generally? Does he smoke or use any drugs? Did he do drugs in his childhood? Some research has shown that guys who are heavy pot and/or tobacco users in their teens and twenties can have erection problems in their early 30's. These are all important issues to consider. All this raises questions about how well you really know this guy, and what you really desire with him. I like the way you described the process that led to your first night together: "I chose to be intimate..." That's great awareness on your part. You certainly did choose it - - nobody chose it for you, and it didn't "just happen." Hang on to that, and remember that it is your intentionality, your intentional making of choices (rather than just letting things happen to you) that will help lead you to healthy, satisfying relationships. As for what to do next, start by intentionally deciding what you want to happen next. Don't worry about calling to tell him "it's okay" - - he'll call and discuss if he needs to. But what do you need, and what do you want? You describe this guy in several different ways. He is someone you "like alot;" he is someone with whom you "felt in love" ; he is the "man I am so in love with," and you end by saying "I really do care for him." What does all this mean? Only you can decide. Sort out what you really feel, and what you really want. Then, the next step will be more clear to you. |