Relationships

Dear Austin; I attended on of the "singles parties" that you co-hosted in Phoenix last year, and it was a blast. I remember you explained on the radio that "singles' nights" got started so like-minded single adults could meet each other, and I really appreciated the fact that married guys who are on the radio would even be thinking of ways that single people could meet. However, for me, finding someone who is "like minded" is only half the battle. It seems that almost every week I meet like-minded guys who are also incredibly dull, boring, and have no passion for life.They're good people, but nobody I would want to have a long term relationship with. I am commited to meeting and dating men who share my religious faith and values, so that tends to limit my choices, but even when I am in very large churches the situation is the same - - the attractive, exciting guys have rings on their fingers, and the single men are BORING. Why is this? Is it just me? And do you have suggestions on where to go to meet a good man who still has a pulse? Leanne, Phoenix, AZ

Leanne;

I hear women complain about this alot. And in my view, part of the problem is that American Christianity (both Protestant and Catholic) at times does not relate to men very well.

I believe this is why most church participation is from women. And all too often the guys who show up to church on Sunday are not there because they want to be, but because of the cajoling of their girlfriends, wives, mothers, aunts, sisters, or whomever.

I think part of the problem here is that American Christianity can tend to define masculinity in the negative. In other words, when it comes to being a "good man," churches often focus on what a man is not (rather than what he is), and what he doesn't do (as opposed to what he does).

Think about it...in a variety of different ways church teaching conveys the notion that a good man doesn't curse; he doesn't smoke; he doesn't drink too much (or maybe not at all); he doesn't succomb to his sexual desires; he doesn't get angry; he doesn't offend anybody; he doesn't behave impolitely; he doesn't break the rules; and he doesn't "rock the boat" - - not at his work, or in his personal life, or in his community.

Whether it is explict or merely implied, the message that boys and men often receive from church is that above all else, your goal in life is to at all times be a "nice guy," because to be a nice guy means that you are doing what God wants you to do - - you're "sharing God's love" with others.

I happen to believe that this kind of thinking is wrong, and leads to some false understandings both about "God's love," and about true masculinity. But that's a topic for a separate discussion. Let it suffice here to say that when you raise generations of boys to be "nice guys," you produce generations of boring men who, to use your words, "don't have a pulse."

I'm not religion bashing here. I respect religious faith. But churches (and indeed the whole world) are seriously in need of some men like Mel Gibson's character in the movie "Bravehart." Or for a more contemporary example (and since he seems to be "all the rage" right now), how about guys like Jack Bauer, the Kiefer Sutherland character in the TV series "24?"

These are two examples of men (fictitious as they may be) who are very multi-dimensional: they know how to break the rules when necessary; they use their anger intentionally and to constructive ends; they harness their passion effectively; and they do all this while serving an agenda that reaches beyond their own self interest, and leads them to sacrificially lay their lives down (or at least to give of themselves) for the wellbeing of others.

Nice guys? No, not always. Great men? Absolutely. And how'd you like to meet a man like that next Sunday?

For some insightful reading on the issue of men, I recommend you check out the book "Wild At Heart" by author John Eldredge, and "The Wild Man's Journey" by Father Richard Rohr. As for how to go about meeting Mr. Right, there are plenty of on-line dating services that cater to specific religious groups and church denominations, and this MIGHT be an option for you. But consider carefully trying this: make friends with couples whose marriages you admire, and enlist their help. Tell them that you are frustrated with the men you are meeting, and ask them to keep their eyes open for possible prospects. If you can make sure that the wives aren't threatened by your presence, both the husbands and wives with whom you network may lead you to some worthwhile introductions.